That time of year again, my friends

Aw yeah aw yeah. Its time for the best damn weekend of the whole damn summer. On the banks of the mighty Clyde, down ol' Lanark county way, its The Concert On the Clyde, and The Pejoratives will be there, tanked, sunstroked and incoherent for what may be our only gig this year. But WHAT A GIG! There's camping over, which is like sleepin with us. We totally call inside spoon. There's a big thing that sells you beer, all day long. T-shirts, swimming, live bands and great acts and like seriously, just the best fn time. C'mon out.

Just Add Time Machine, or Simon's Totally Plausible Plan For Solving The Gas Crisis.

Step 1, build time machine.  Now, I have it good authority that *I* never invent a time machine, in that the first thing i would do with it would be to send it back to myself at a younger age.  So I'm assuming someone else will eventually build one and can follow this plan.   Since its time travel you can do it whenever, just remember to put your dad's keys behind that rock.

Step 2, go steal Henry Ford.

Step 3, skip ahead to this summer.

Step 4, show Mr Ford how much it'll cost to fill up his horseless wagon.

After dying of shitting himself, he won't go on to mass produce these things.  Therefore we won't have an oil crisis(es), we won't start using food for our cars, we won't have food riots, we won't have to watch people starve to death, or pay 10 bucks for a loaf of bread, or get overrun by the Chinese.  Cuz they're coming.  For our water and our women.  Although, China's problems with the ladies seems to be a recent thing, as it turns out Mao offered Kissinger 10 million women back in the 60's.

Blogged with the Flock Browser

Chali 2Na Seizes Power

No longer content to relegate himself to "making lovely word connections like Chuck Woolery"(1) and proving he is "more than just the verbal Herman Munster"(2), Chali 2Na today seized power in Jurassic 5. After months of bends-inducing vertical gains through the tiny nation's power structure, 2Na cemented his position by declaring himself "Rhyme Prime Minister"(3). This is the latest in many official positions held by 2Na, having previously been named (largely by himself) as "sign of the times Senator"(3), "ghetto diplomat"(1), and "the ambassador"(4), as well as holding the unofficial titles of "black Socrates"(1), "aristocrat"(1) and "Mister Antagonistic"(1), the latter a result of an unsuccessful TV series by the same name.

Sources close to the palace were quoted as saying "Jurassic 5 has been a presidential republic ever since the vocal artillery went silent. To even mention a parliamentary democracy is to spit in the face of thousands of veterans. And yet he's declared himself Rhyme Prime Minister? The mere fact it rhymes makes it worse."(5)

(1) Cut Chemist Suite - Ozomatli - Ozomatli
(2) Chali 2Na Coming Thru - DJ Nu-Mark & Chali 2Na - Hands On
(3) The Place - DJ Format, Chali 2Na & Akil - If You Can't Join Em, Beat Em
(4) Family Rap - Breakestra, Chali 2Na, Soup, Akil, Double K, Wolf & Munyungo Jackson - Hit The Floor
(5) Thanks, AJ.

The Crushinator Part 2, or Why You Should Avoid The USA

Last week I posted about a morbidly obese woman charged in the crushing death of a child left in her care. Here's the follow-up. Caveat: I dislike Nancy Grace. She was a dirty lawyer and isn't exactly holding up any standards of journalistic objectivism. However, crushing a child with your mass and then being TOO FAT TO GO TO JAIL isn't really a two-sided story. It is awesome, though, that after the suspect is referred to as tubby, the journalist gets called for fat jokes. Awesome. To be fair, a mafioso in Italy was recently released from prison for being too fat as well, so you can probably give Italy a pass, too.

Next up, they're tasing the children. And this isn't the first time. Trying to dig up that article I found this from last June, twice in 2004, one of which was a suicidal 6 year old, and an autistic kid last September. Leaving aside the much, much larger issues of 11 year olds that weigh 170lbs, 6 year olds that want to kill themselves and using corporal punishment on the developmentally delayed, there's a serious questions of fitness here on the part of police and security. Especially when you see stuff like this. Or this.

Or even this. I hear about two dozen shots in this, so at least two people are shooting. There's only one suspect on the tape and he's got a hostage. I've heard those make it hard to reload. That's beside the point - my interest here is that the cops fired somewhere between 12 and 24 rounds and not only didn't kill the suspect, didn't even stop him. He was found hours later, yes with gunshot wounds, but obviously nothing too disabling.

And finally, as a public service announcement, those freaky-types of us with piercings should know you may be asked to remove them by American airport security. With pliers. Awesome.

Some Internet Awesomeness, or Things I Found One Day When I Should Have Been Looking For A Job

Aside from hanging around half dressed, hassling the dog and reading comic books, I've also been spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet, finding such gems as the Stormtrooper crotch-grab, right. Here's some other junk I found this morning:

Some good news, for one. Looks like Comcast will willingly reverse its position on traffic shaping, or the practice of assigning priority to different kinds of data. They had been in a little hot water with their users for messing with file-sharing protocols and internet video. This is a good sign for net neutrality - having one of the largest proponents for regulations and restrictions change sides of their own accord is promising, although the quote, "...we will have to rapidly reconfigure our network management systems, but the outcome will be a traffic management technique that is more appropriate for today's emerging Internet trends," is a little vague. Which trends are we talking about?

Then I found this when I was looking for the track Secret Wars by Last Emperor. It made me laugh anyway, but like I said I've been reading comic books lately. And by lately, I mean forever.

However, if you're looking for pure, unadulterated fat, read this. Almost as good as the article about flagrant fat peddling disguised as a blow against political correctness ("You can't tell me I'm slovenly!") are the comments! Like how in Texas you can get a SIX PATTY, SIX SLICES OF CHEESE burger called a SIX SHOOTER a a place called Whataburger. But not all of them know how to make the Six Shooter cuz its not on the menu, so just get them to put triple extra patties and triple extra cheese on the... sigh... Triple Meat Whataburger. Note that the look of shock and disgust on the burger flipper's face is free.

Twice Inna Day, or I'm A Star Wars Nerd

You should watch this, if only for a lesson in how not to do merchandising for a movie. Step one, don't let 'em use the good stuff, just the 20-year old junk. I gotta say though, I would totally own a Death Star hibachi or Han Solo in Carbonite fridge.
I also found this with some other unproduced gems of Star Wariana. Or Star Warsobelia. Or whatever. Anyway, it includes the kickass Smouldering Moisture Farm playset, left, along with the smouldering corpse action figures (sold separately).

Making My Job Easy, or I Love Bias (Like on Tapes)

Read this. Then read this. Something amiss? Same story, different emphasis. Its nice when the internet gives you a "minimal pair" like this. One article says nuclear parts were sent to Taiwan, the other specifically states non-nuclear. Um... Well, turns out the triggers are FOR nuclear missiles, but do not actually contain any fissile material, so are not themselves nuclear. But it shows some pretty clear partisanship, wouldn't you say? The Washington Post is known as a pillar of the alleged liberal media bias. CNN has been called left-leaning as well, a criticism that doesn't seem notable here. In fact, this guy seems pretty sure they're going right and makes some strong arguments, namely the hiring of Glenn Beck and Nancy Grace. Let's call them pro-state, at least.

Anyway, apart from showing some pretty cleary political leanings, this has also managed to piss off the Chinese... or the Chinese, depending on your flavour.